Where is "Ponniyin Selvan"?

Yet another year has born without any additions to it (except for the number called ‘age’ that all of us like to forget about). This year is going to be big, no… huge for me (actually, make it bold, capital letters preferably Red color). I am getting married in 26 days. There is all this tension – no, not about life after marriage, but about the arrangements for the wedding. I am probably one of the few morons that thinks the wedding is the tough part, not the marriage. Is it that I don’t like dressing up? Oh hell no… I love dressing up. But when it comes to my own wedding, not so much.

Reflections... Or whatever!!

Well, it is that time of the year when people talk about how good or bad or disgusting the year 2010 has been (really people, stop bitching about a year even before it is over. You would never understand it unless you are a year yourself); the time of the year when all blogs are filled with posts about 2010 and what they expect from 2011 (as if ALL our expectations ever materialize!); the time of the year when people invite suggestions for New Year Resolutions (how lame is that!); the time of the year when people invite suggestions for New Year Parties (that’s even worse); the time of the year when our intelligent and oh-so-sensible media is specializing on who-wore-what-where in 2010, and celebrity new year resolutions and what a huge super star Rajinikanth is, and whether SRK and Salman Khan will become friends in the next year, and whether Aishwarya Rai will have a baby in the coming year. And of course, what else is more important than all these topics?

Stressed out!

More than a whole month away from my beloved space – I don’t think this has ever happened before. Why, you ask? No, you wouldn’t bother so much, I am sure. Well, whether you ask or not, the reason is that there is a certain block in my mind. Words just won’t come out. On my way to work, or when I am just sitting doing nothing (mostly at office. Oh wait, you know that already!), or when I listen to a certain song, or when I am walking around the campus, or… you get the drift, right? So when my mind is not doing any serious work-work, there is still a background train of thoughts that keep running (ah, girls’ brains can NEVER be idle). So this background train of thoughts keeps giving me more than enough topics I could write about – topics ranging from a short story to funny incidents with friends to innovative ways to mess up your home to how to become friends with your neighborhood’s stray dogs. But then there was something blocking me from opening MS-Word, in the normal world it is called laziness. Something blocks my mind from forming words, now that - I don’t know what it is.

Questions of a confused soul

There is so much that I want to write, so much I want to pour out, so much I want to change, so much I want from life, so much I don’t want to be doing. And I am only 24 and I can’t even decide what to have for dinner tonight and my relatives want me to get married already. Give me a bloody break!

Alright, I agree that it was me that wanted to get married until two months back. And it was me that took the efforts to get talks underway and it was me that convinced and threatened and did-what-not to make this possible. Now that it is all becoming reality, it is scary. It is so damn scary and now none of them would understand why I am talking this way. None of them want to take a U-turn apart from me. None of them understand what I am going through. Sounds like development of cold-feet, doesn’t it? I thought so too. But this is much more than that. I cannot put a finger to what exactly is the reason behind my backing out of the “plan” (which, incidentally, was made by ME)! How are the others supposed to understand it? The point is: I am scared. I am scared as hell to get committed. I am scared that I would have to give up my freedom. I am scared that I will have to do what the others ask me to do. I am scared I cannot be what I am. I really don’t understand the whole point behind getting married. I want to run away from everything to a place far off where nobody can find me. Talk about cold-feet. I probably have the “coldest-feet” in the country.

The point is, by running away from all this, I might come across as the most selfish person that ever walked on the face of the planet. Also, that would make me a coward. There is a problem and if I choose to run away from it instead of hanging on and fighting for myself, it would make me a loser. I am NOT a loser. But the problem doesn’t end there. If I choose to continue fighting, I would for sure at some point of time hurt someone I love. I don’t want to hurt the soul that has been living for me ever since I was born. I love her too much to do that to her. But, I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE.

I feel as if I am striving so hard to live up to others’ expectations that I have ultimately forgotten what I really want and now I want it so bad. I want to life MY life and not worry about what the others have to say or think. Either I stay back, doing what the others want me to do, sacrificing my wishes and letting the choice-not-made haunt me for the rest of my life. Or I go after what I want, live my life the way I want, let the world know what LIVING is; but in doing so I would be hurting my beloved ones, feeling guilty for failing to live up to their expectations. It is a very difficult choice to make, especially when you are from India, more so if you are a girl. A girl that is going to married within the next 8 months at that!

What is it that makes me think so much (with that non-existent brain of mine)? Fear. The fear of losing all the freedom I have, the fear of having to be bound to the rules of a society I have grown to hate, the fear of having to give up my choices, the fear of having to give up a lot of things I love, the fear of being forced to love things (and sometimes people) that I despise, the fear of having to compromise a lot, the fear of my intelligence being dismissed just because of the fact that I am a girl, the fear of losing ME and MY SPIRIT! I am nobody if you take that spirit from me. I am nobody if you take my thought-process and my decisions from me. I don’t want to live in (or as) somebody else’s shadow. I am too proud to do that.

Now whoever told me a marriage will take away whatever I have and leave me to be just a body with no soul? Nobody. It is just my intuition. I could be wrong. I am not marrying somebody I don’t know at all. In fact, I have known this wonderful person for five years and it was MY decision to get married so soon. But why am I backtracking now? I have no idea. Why am I so afraid of the entire process now? I don’t know. Why do I think I will lose my individuality now? I have no clue. All I want now is to flee off from everything. Selfish? Individualistic? Call me whatever. I want to be my own master.

If any of this crap made any sense to you and if you choose to voice your opinions please do leave a comment. I would like to know what you think.

Help me escape!

I finally find some free time after so many days of hectic work. Yes, I have work and yes, I am (have become) hard-working and yes, that is what kept me from writing more frequently. Trust me! On top of all these, whenever I am home, I am inundated with aunties asking me when I am going to get married – and by aunties, I mean every woman who is 30+ years of age, ranging from blood relatives to distant relatives to neighbors to I-just-met-you-in-the-bus-but-I-don’t-at-all-feel-it-is-inappropriate-to-ask-you-to-get-married-soon types. Seriously, WTF is their problem? Is it:

1. “Yaam petra inbam, peruga ivvayyagam” (Let the world experience all the happiness I experience; this expression is used generally in sarcastic comments) or
2. I am so bored with my daily mega-serials and I just want to mess up somebody’s life and who better than you or
3. I cannot digest the fact that how you are so carefree and independent or
4. I have a relative whose son is a loser and I just like making his life even more miserable (with a typical mega-serial villain-ish grin) or
5. I just want to while away some time (eating your head) during this insanely boring bus ride.

What is it? And how long do they exactly expect me to reply with a oh-so-fake smile on my face, dismissing all the urges to reply with a killer one-liner, controlling my temper and refrain from shouting out to God to forgive the aunties and take them to heaven (immediately)! And what angers me even more is when my mom finds it alright to the extent of being natural. When are they ever going to understand that when and who I want to marry is my choice and the random-aunty-I-met-five-minutes-ago-in-the-bus does not have a say in it? Just leave me alone, aunties!

Next time onwards, my reply is going to be any one of the following:

1. (With the most innocent look you have ever seen) Aunty, I am not sure who you are. (And run like crazy in the opposite direction)
2. Amma said there is something terribly wrong with my horoscope and I would have to wait for five more years before thinking about marriage.
3. I don’t want to consider marriage before at least one onsite trip (I am sure that ought to shut them up – Iyer aunties are so impressed by such ideas; on the down-side, I may never get married ;-) )
4. I want to take up brahmacharyam (and give them an hour’s lecture on giving up material desires and karma and moksha until it is their turn to escape from me).

Any other ideas are welcome! :-)

Kandaramanickam!!!

Well, I came back from Kandaramanickam after attending Nitsy’s wedding and what a wedding it was!!! I mean wooooooow…. I have rarely been to a wedding that is not a typical Tamil Brahmin affair and if I had been to one, I don’t seem to remember it that well. This one was just out of the world. Although the wedding lasted for a much lesser time period than a Tamil Brahmin wedding, the rituals were just as interesting and meaningful (now do not come back asking what is the significance of the ‘Oonjal’ thing that we have in our weddings. I seriously don’t know. If you know, you could write it in the comments section).

The wedding rituals started with a ‘Nitchayadhartham’ – the official engagement ceremony on Sunday. That day, they also did this ritual where in they bring few small, tender branches of a banyan tree and tie it to a very long pole and fix it to the ground. I asked a relative of Nitsy’s what the significance of that is. She said, “These branches would be removed after the wedding gets over and would be planted in a different place. And the saplings would start growing there. It is similar to our girl – she is being taken from a big family and given to another place, to a new family. When she goes there, she would be a part of the new place and grow there and help their family to grow, just the way the saplings do!” I was amazed by the amount of thought their ancestors have put into the ritual (Now, somebody please tell me the significance of our ‘Oonjal’ ritual).



The next day was the day of wedding. Early morning, Nitsy had gottena red ribbon and a yellow rope tied around a piece of turmeric – together called a “Kaapu” on her hand. Unlike our weddings, “Maapillai Azhaippu” (inviting the bride groom and his family) happens on the day of the wedding. Once the groom came, he was also made to tie the “Kaapu” in his hand. This “Kaapu” is supposed to be removed after the knot is tied around her neck and she becomes a part of his family (again, unlike in our marriages, Nitsy is allowed to eat well even when she has the kaapu ties. Our brides are poor things; they don’t get anything to eat until well after 2pm – main reason why I am NOT going to get married!). After this, the guy ties the knot around her neck and in a matter of less than half an hour, she is the groom’s wife and from that point onwards she is bound by the rules and regulations of her in-laws and they would take all her decisions for her.





I can’t forget how they all cried – Nitsy, her mom, dad, sister, grandma, grandpa, Kavi, Divya – when she was leaving home, to be officially inducted into the bridegroom’s house (Another reason why don’t want to get married). It was so painful to watch her go.

More than all the rituals and the colorful dresses and the warm people and even warmer climate, one thing I enjoyed the most was the food. I had authentic Chettinad food for 2 days. For a person who gets hungry once in every 2 hours, the place was heaven. Whenever I met anyone, the first question they would ask is, “Saaptiya?” If you thought I’d shamelessly have told, “Not yet” and went for “pandhi” after “pandhi” of pure bliss, you are wrong. I had two “close” friends (close pannama vida maataanga) – Yals and Kavi who were always beside me reminding me, “Sandy, control…” And now, a full meal at our office cafeteria isn’t enough to fill my stomach!!! God, what is with me?