Am I A Rebel?

Happy New Year!!! :-)

It has been so long since I wrote something here. The last year has seen me go from the happiest person on earth to a sad and pathetic little soul that’s trapped in a job that seems keen on sucking the life energy out of me. The only writing I have done in the past year are long emails to my friend about me and my surroundings. I wish I could publish them some day.

Anyway, all that aside, I was thinking yesterday about how there is a rebel inside each one of us. Some accept it; but most live in denial.

For example, I love cooking. I enjoy cooking. I find it therapeutic; I think it is a great stress-buster to listen to and sing along with music while cooking. I like making food that looks colourful with fresh ingredients that are great to look at and taste even better. I like the way the aroma of tempered spices spread and fill the house. I forget all my problems and tensions in the sound of music and the pressure cooker’s whistles and the motor sound of the mixie. It satisfies all my senses. You get it, right?

So everyone by now thinks my husband is a lucky man, right? Wrong. I don’t cook very often these days. I restrict my cooking to making dosa/idly and simple chutney or easy-to-make mixed vegetable rice. I don’t spend a long time in the kitchen; I don’t put on music. I don’t enjoy the process. I do it more out of duty than out of love.

And that is simply because I am EXPECTED to do it. I don’t know if it makes any sense to any of you, but I want to cook because I enjoy it, not because I MUST. It is expected out of me, as a wife, to cook for my husband. But then the rebel wakes up and says, “Hey, you must not do it because they expect you to. You are not anybody’s slave.” And out goes all the goodness that I had housed inside me all these years. The “nee enna solradhu, naan enna kekkaradhu” (Who are you to say and why the hell should I listen?) attitude is something I have not been able to shake off since I was 5 years old. And I don’t seem to regret it that much either.

Cooking is a simple example. There are other things that I have stopped doing (or stopped enjoying the activity) just because somebody wants me to. That my job certainly belongs to that category is no secret. And I am not the only one feeling that way about one’s job. But we still do it because we have put on the dog costume and so we bark.

I want to be able to give in to others’ expectations and not feel rebellious at every opportunity. I want to live a normal life without having the urge to put up a fight at every slight possibility. Because frankly, I am tired of it. I am tired of having to fight back against every single thing expected out of me even though I’d have done it by myself anyway.

What do you think? Is it just me or is it normal to be rebellious? Or is it just that the degree of rebelliousness varies with each person? What are you like?

Lonely Eaters Club

It amazes me how time could change everything and everyone. Time heals wounds, time makes a good person better, a bad person worse or a good person bad and bad person good… ok, now that you understand how disastrously awful I can get (which means this blog is NOT to be taken seriously this time around too), let us move on to the actual reason why I wrote the really stupid first couple of sentences. I have been very different in the past. Well, who hasn’t? We all used to be smaller (let me tell you, I know I am small now too) and more innocent and possibly more intelligent (until Education made us dumb); but we are not going into the details of that. This post is about neither innocence nor intelligence. Now I should really get to the point.

Questions of a confused soul

There is so much that I want to write, so much I want to pour out, so much I want to change, so much I want from life, so much I don’t want to be doing. And I am only 24 and I can’t even decide what to have for dinner tonight and my relatives want me to get married already. Give me a bloody break!

Alright, I agree that it was me that wanted to get married until two months back. And it was me that took the efforts to get talks underway and it was me that convinced and threatened and did-what-not to make this possible. Now that it is all becoming reality, it is scary. It is so damn scary and now none of them would understand why I am talking this way. None of them want to take a U-turn apart from me. None of them understand what I am going through. Sounds like development of cold-feet, doesn’t it? I thought so too. But this is much more than that. I cannot put a finger to what exactly is the reason behind my backing out of the “plan” (which, incidentally, was made by ME)! How are the others supposed to understand it? The point is: I am scared. I am scared as hell to get committed. I am scared that I would have to give up my freedom. I am scared that I will have to do what the others ask me to do. I am scared I cannot be what I am. I really don’t understand the whole point behind getting married. I want to run away from everything to a place far off where nobody can find me. Talk about cold-feet. I probably have the “coldest-feet” in the country.

The point is, by running away from all this, I might come across as the most selfish person that ever walked on the face of the planet. Also, that would make me a coward. There is a problem and if I choose to run away from it instead of hanging on and fighting for myself, it would make me a loser. I am NOT a loser. But the problem doesn’t end there. If I choose to continue fighting, I would for sure at some point of time hurt someone I love. I don’t want to hurt the soul that has been living for me ever since I was born. I love her too much to do that to her. But, I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE.

I feel as if I am striving so hard to live up to others’ expectations that I have ultimately forgotten what I really want and now I want it so bad. I want to life MY life and not worry about what the others have to say or think. Either I stay back, doing what the others want me to do, sacrificing my wishes and letting the choice-not-made haunt me for the rest of my life. Or I go after what I want, live my life the way I want, let the world know what LIVING is; but in doing so I would be hurting my beloved ones, feeling guilty for failing to live up to their expectations. It is a very difficult choice to make, especially when you are from India, more so if you are a girl. A girl that is going to married within the next 8 months at that!

What is it that makes me think so much (with that non-existent brain of mine)? Fear. The fear of losing all the freedom I have, the fear of having to be bound to the rules of a society I have grown to hate, the fear of having to give up my choices, the fear of having to give up a lot of things I love, the fear of being forced to love things (and sometimes people) that I despise, the fear of having to compromise a lot, the fear of my intelligence being dismissed just because of the fact that I am a girl, the fear of losing ME and MY SPIRIT! I am nobody if you take that spirit from me. I am nobody if you take my thought-process and my decisions from me. I don’t want to live in (or as) somebody else’s shadow. I am too proud to do that.

Now whoever told me a marriage will take away whatever I have and leave me to be just a body with no soul? Nobody. It is just my intuition. I could be wrong. I am not marrying somebody I don’t know at all. In fact, I have known this wonderful person for five years and it was MY decision to get married so soon. But why am I backtracking now? I have no idea. Why am I so afraid of the entire process now? I don’t know. Why do I think I will lose my individuality now? I have no clue. All I want now is to flee off from everything. Selfish? Individualistic? Call me whatever. I want to be my own master.

If any of this crap made any sense to you and if you choose to voice your opinions please do leave a comment. I would like to know what you think.

My 100th post

This is my 100^th post and it has taken me 2 years to come to this point. Looking back at the time I started writing in this space – I was a fresher in a big, tough world called ‘I.T.’ fighting it all by myself, armed with only my power to talk and nothing else. I was on bench which gave me ample time to write as much as I could. I had no readers. But this space grew in content and so did I and the number of readers. And now I am at this place where I feel like an old lady already. A lot of people know me (by ‘knowing’ I mean knowing my emotions, my actions, the changes in my life, what makes me laugh – everything there is to know about me) through this space and it makes me proud of myself to have achieved it in 2 years.

This started off as a personal blog – kind of like an online diary where I would scribble, crib and pour out anything that came to my mind (which used to be a lot). This was mainly because nobody used to read it. Later on, as people started reading my posts, I had to filter out a lot of what I thought, simply because it would scandalize a few of them – I had to keep readers’ feelings in mind before I put down anything that I felt/experienced. A few of my friends told me that I was losing my freedom as the number of readers increased; but I had a moral responsibility. I stayed away from a lot of hot topics for fear of being considered rude or judgmental.

Now I have learnt to strike a balance between what I want to write and what the readers may want to read. I wrote my first short story (for which I received a few bouquets and a lot of brickbats). In between, I got the courage to start with my first novel (which is still in its infancy due to my laziness). It is amazing how there is a learning process in everything we undertake. Blogging is something I started for personal satisfaction and now I have learnt so much about a whole new world, made a few awesome friends – friends who are ready to guide and help and appreciate me.

Blogging gave me an address – a door to a soul that was unknown to the rest of the world. It made me popular. Being an Arian and a girl, I enjoyed all the attention I got (and am still getting). Now I have an online diary of the past two years of my life – how much my little world has changed and how much I have changed! But one thing remains – I still go about doing my work (yes, I do work sometimes) and living my life (the happy and the not-so-happy moments) with a broad smile pasted across my face; that hasn’t changed and I hope it won’t ever.

I hope I get to the 200^th post very soon. It will happen when I have interesting things going on in my life. And the next one year looks like it will easily become the interesting year of my life! It includes foreign travel, change in work (not the company, though), a wedding (perhaps?) – looks very promising and exciting. Need your blessings and wishes!

What can I say...

After 7pm is the best time to write blogs – that is when the office is almost empty (there are not many losers like yours truly, you see). I like the calmness here. My desk has been shifted to a place far away from my managers and far away from all the people that make the maximum noise. I generally love being surrounded by loud people; I myself am a loud person and now I feel left out and lonely. Literally lonely because there is nobody here; nobody to see what I am doing – I might as well watch some movie, but I prefer reading something/writing stuff to bore you all. I have a strong feeling that every time I write, I get worse. I am probably one person that challenges the proverb “Practice makes one perfect” – the lesser I write the better is what I feel about myself.

All that apart, I have made up my mind to mokkai pottufy and there is no sparing you. I have learnt so much from blogosphere. It has certainly given me great friends like Satish, Chan, Vinod, etc… and has improved my confidence a lot. Not that I was ever low on confidence. I have been a pain from the beginning. Or that is what Amma says. I wish she writes a blog ala Chennaigirl – kiddie talks. I used to talk a lot. Amma says I starting talking very young and started off with full sentences instead of words and never had that ‘mazhalai pechu’ – she says I started talking like a big girl. She and Appa used to feel very proud of me – I was their first child and they probably thought I was a genius because I started talking earlier and clearer than their friends’ children. Now Amma is feeling “Appo aarambichava innum nirutha maatengarale” (She started so early and has not stopped since)… Well, I am proud of it. Ever since I have been paduthufying Amma with my nonstop nonsense.

I have always been a talkative person and my friends can’t agree more (please read my testimonials in Orkut if you are THAT jobless). It is like a gift. At the same time, I have ended up creating a/being in the middle of a mess ever since I can remember. I once went and told my teacher (when I was in sixth standard), “You are being very partial towards G (a girl in my class). It is wrong. You are a good teacher, but I don’t like this.” Years later when I met that teacher she told me that I had told her something like this and I didn’t even remember the incident. To say it was very embarrassing would be an understatement but I really felt ashamed of myself for saying something like that to one of my favorite teachers and at the same time proud of myself that I had the guts to speak my mind to someone way older and respectable than me.

Ippidi palappala saadanaigala pannitu vandhurukka indha Sandhya… Enna poi velai ellam panna sonna, kaduppaagaadhu? Enna nenachutu irukkanaga? Oh God, let someone understand my genius (no, before that let me recognize my potential) and appidiye ennoda life-ahye maathiranum. Hayyo hayyo!!!

I wanna be a...

When I listen to some songs, I feel I should have taken up singing more seriously and continued those Carnatic music classes. When I watch Shahid Kapur dancing (and not trying to be SRK), I feel should have taken those dancing classes that my sister used to take and have something to talk to Shahid when we meet (Sigh…). When I watch the Australian Open matches, I regret not having gone for those Tennis Coaching classes that few of my friends attended; now what the hell am I supposed to talk about to Rafael Nadal when we meet? Oh, I should learn Spanish first for that, you say? Okay; that I can start even now. Well, my point is, everyone is good at something or the other – some are athletes, some are singers, some are painters, and some are trivia-freaks – each one has his/her own hobby – something they have been good at or trained in right from childhood.

I am good at nothing – I sing well enough to wake people up from sleep (so much so that few are considering my songs as their Alarm Tunes), I dance as if I am having one of those epilepsy attacks, I just can’t paint (never have and never will), I can’t even beat my 35+ years old colleague up a flight of stairs. And I am doing something I hate for a living. Sigh… Each passing day makes me feel more like a loser and hopelessly pathetic. In Chandler’s words, could life be any worse?

I need to figure out what I am good at (no, I don’t take, “You are good at nothing” for an answer). I need to contact the right person to channelize my potential. I need to take it up seriously without giving way to my laziness like I did with singing. I need something that would keep me sane (if I have not already lost my sanity) and kill my boredom and make me a better person. I am sure I will be good at what I do if only I were doing something that makes me happy. To excel in something, I have got to enjoy it. I am also sure that there are so many of you out there, stuck up doing something you hate but sticking on to it because there is no other go, praying for relief from the monotony, unable to enjoy your work/chosen field of study – simply because it was chosen by someone else.

I guess that is enough ranting for now.

Sparing you from a boring long post (read: before you choose to kill me)…

What have I gotten myself into!!!

Don’t do anything you can’t own up to. And that goes for all you back-stabbers out there. You have a problem with anyone, tell it to the concerned person or don’t tell it out at all. What is the point in complaining to a third person? That would make you a fool if the other person and the person you are complaining about are friends – did that thought ever cross your mind? No? What a hopeless idiot you are! I am sorry, but I really hope you read this blog!

Now, venting it out to a third person is totally different from complaining. What I am doing here on this blog is venting out. You got a problem with me? Come talk to me… Let’s talk and sort the shit out. Don’t be a coward! I don’t know what you are more of – a wuss or a fool. And frankly, I don’t give a damn about you. From now, it is full-on war, baby! And you are going to cry and regret your actions and run away. As Chandler says in F.R.I.E.N.D.S, the messers now become the messies… You messed with me? You messed with me? And you thought you could get away with it?

I am just miserable, aren’t I? Sigh… I need more energy than ever and I don’t even have time to eat anything. I am losing so much weight that soon I am going to go invisible. And this messer is like the worst thing that could happen to me at this time. I feel it is too cowardly to say “I quit” and get the heck out of here; I feel it is too much stress to take upon myself; I feel I am talking too much nonsense (and I am sure you agree with me on this one).

I believe in God. Is it okay to give it right back to the person (because he/she totally deserves to be hit back at) or should we leave it to God and let Him take His own sweet time to do the needful? Because for now, I am sure He has His hands full with people from Haiti and may not find time in the coming days to resolve my problem. Is this nonsense too? I need help… Any professional psychologists out there?

Confused and shattered,

Me.

Pondering Pointlessly

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. We all have heard that a million times, especially from our parents, more especially if you were as lazy as yours truly. Like how the “best bad massage award” would be called ‘The Monica” (you don’t watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S? You should!), the “laziest person award” would be (and should be) called “The Sandhya”. I can visualize my mom nodding her head twice faster at this. That is me. The best thing to do, for me, is just sit and laze around and stare at the ceiling. Or may be read a book or watch a movie – but those things are to be done only when I am really really bored of well… staring at the ceiling.

And when I don’t have any book to read or movie to watch, and am still bored after my tiring stint at staring at the ceiling, like anyone else, I think. No, don’t laugh. I do have the necessary apparatus up inside my head and believe it or not, it is in perfectly good, working condition. And if you had read about my Analytical Mind, you would know how it works. I mean, how good it works.

A gazillion thoughts within seconds all inter-connected (or so I think) in some peculiar way which is totally back-traceable. No? Lost me somewhere in the middle. It happens. It happens to me, for crying out loud. There is so much I think about – should I have a cup of coffee now or half an hour later? Gosh, the weather is so good; I should ask paati to make bajji or bonda. This Paulo Coelho book is so boring; I have to finish this one soon and start “Atlas Shrugged”. I should never have left Chennai; I feel so cold and lost here. Wow Chennai, what a city! Those were the best days of my life – beach, Blur, Inox, Wipro, bajji at the beach… Hmmm, bajji… “Paati, sooda bajji pottu thaayen.”

You get the drift. From a casual coffee thought to bored to remorse to memories to well, coffee (and bajji) again – all within seconds of each other. These thoughts make me. And now I am sure you don’t find me lazy given the amount of thinking (?!) I do. Tell my mom so!!! Meanwhile, I am going to think about New Year and how ridiculous these ‘New Year Resolutions’ are. HAPPY NEW YEAR, folks!!! :)

Don't know what to say about this!!!

Came across this interesting website and wow... I resemble so many A-list hollywood celebs!!! Ahem ahem!!!

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Family tree chart - Ancestry search