Hangover

Disclaimer: This post is written in a state of heavy hangover caused due to my release from Philips. Although I had decided quite a while ago that I have to leave, now that it has happened I am unable to cope up with it. But like everything else, this too shall pass.

Things change and how quickly. It feels like yesterday that I stepped into Bangalore, knowing nothing about the city (not that I know anything substantial now), got into a new job, in a new office, with a new team. Two years have just run by. Two beautiful years – the years that saw me grow up (not physically, no), get married and all…

I have learnt a lot of things, had a whale of a time with a great team of colleagues, and now all that is part of my past. I have moved back to Atos, away from my team, away from Philips, all set to move to Mumbai on an assignment (although it is only for a few months).

A wise man once told me that when many years pass by and you wake up one morning and think about your past, you remember only the small things that gave you momentary happiness. Those are the memories you cherish, the memories that are part of your sub-conscious,the memories that will be with you always.

I am sure my stint at Philips is one of that sort – when I think about the last two years, I can see my team sitting at the cafeteria, laughing out loud amidst a lot of glares from the people in the other tables. I can see all of us pulling Krishna’s legs, asking about his (non-existent) girlfriend to his would-be wife. I can see all of us having coffee in the break-out area, laughing at what someone said. I can see all of us huddling at one of our desks trying to resolve an issue; I can see us walking around the campus with not a thing to worry about. Sigh, HOW things change!!!

It is very difficult now to sit and think about a new team, new people, new city, and new project. I wish I were with Philips still. Below is my rather philosophical good-bye email that I wrote on my last day.

"Permanency makes me uncomfortable. Change keeps me excited. Time has come for a change in my work.

So, today is my last day here in Philips. The last two years here have taught me a lot of things – in the technical area and in not-so-technical area.

It has been a fun experience being here in Philips – my sincere thanks to my team which has been very supportive and co-operative. Thanks to Krishna, Naveen, Vishnu, Lokesh, Raktim and Amit for making my time here easy and enjoyable.

My sincere thanks to Jack van Nistelrooij, Niek Schelhaas, Adrie Aertse, Ganesh Joshi & Rajkumar Jain – the senior managers I worked with – I have learnt a lot from each one of you.

Special thanks to Richard Ijzenbrandt, Maarten van der Poll, Ruben Zwetsloot, John Bastiaansen & the rest of the technical team – for being very patient with us when we asked them a million (dumb) questions.

Thanks to Sabareesh Kurup, Narayanan Sundaresan, Devendra Prasad Bolusani, Deepak Gidwani, Reetha & Srinivas Ganesan for providing all the support for the Atos team here.
I have made a large group of friends in PIC, I will miss them – Vijay Yogimath, Yogesh Babu, Deepti Rokde, Sapna Jain, Farah Shaikh, Balachandar, the list seems endless.

I am moving back to my parent organization (Atos) to start a new career with Lean Management – something far from the technical work I have done so far in my career.

It has been a tough decision because Philips was such a cozy nest. But if I stay on enjoying the warmth, I might never learn to fly."

That was what Philips was – a cozy nest. But I have decided to fly and I am out in the open – it is cold and my wings ache. But I will fly. Ok, this has become too philosophical now.If I talk any more philosophy, I run the risk of being considered drunk.

What have I gotten myself into!!!

Don’t do anything you can’t own up to. And that goes for all you back-stabbers out there. You have a problem with anyone, tell it to the concerned person or don’t tell it out at all. What is the point in complaining to a third person? That would make you a fool if the other person and the person you are complaining about are friends – did that thought ever cross your mind? No? What a hopeless idiot you are! I am sorry, but I really hope you read this blog!

Now, venting it out to a third person is totally different from complaining. What I am doing here on this blog is venting out. You got a problem with me? Come talk to me… Let’s talk and sort the shit out. Don’t be a coward! I don’t know what you are more of – a wuss or a fool. And frankly, I don’t give a damn about you. From now, it is full-on war, baby! And you are going to cry and regret your actions and run away. As Chandler says in F.R.I.E.N.D.S, the messers now become the messies… You messed with me? You messed with me? And you thought you could get away with it?

I am just miserable, aren’t I? Sigh… I need more energy than ever and I don’t even have time to eat anything. I am losing so much weight that soon I am going to go invisible. And this messer is like the worst thing that could happen to me at this time. I feel it is too cowardly to say “I quit” and get the heck out of here; I feel it is too much stress to take upon myself; I feel I am talking too much nonsense (and I am sure you agree with me on this one).

I believe in God. Is it okay to give it right back to the person (because he/she totally deserves to be hit back at) or should we leave it to God and let Him take His own sweet time to do the needful? Because for now, I am sure He has His hands full with people from Haiti and may not find time in the coming days to resolve my problem. Is this nonsense too? I need help… Any professional psychologists out there?

Confused and shattered,

Me.

I'm rambling again!

Here I am – in a new place, waiting for newer challenges that life is waiting to throw at me! As I had already mentioned, I am in a new phase of my life – one that is exciting, educative, fun, boring and at times outright mocking. I am now a mixed bag of emotions. One minute I am really happy and confident and have that ‘Come what may’ attitude, another I am all lonely and frightened, another I am just okay with life and tell it ‘Take me wherever you want to’ and another I simply give up and say ‘I am fed up, I can’t put up with this anymore.’ I hope that is enough reason why I kept away from writing anything here. I just did not want to spread my moody bullshit on you. (I am an angel, aren’t I?)

Now that I have made my state of mind clear (more so to me than to you), I feel very light and confident about taking up the challenge that lies ahead of me. It is not like I have lost anything permanently, not like I have lost my confidence in myself, not like I forgot how to talk (oh, I know how you wish I stop talking :-D), not like there is any big tragedy in my life – what I have got now (or rather what I haven’t got) is nothing close to being called ‘tragic’, hell, it doesn’t make it to ‘sad’. In fact I am currently in a place that a lot of people I know would envy.

My mom told me yesterday that everyone goes through tough times, everyone has to. It is not like one chooses to take the tough way (no one goes, “Hey Mr.Problem, you and me, outside”), bad time just imposes itself on us and no matter how strong or weak we are, we have to face it. There is no escaping fate. She went on to say, when you are facing any kind of hardship, always think that all this struggling will bear sweet fruits (oh, I like neither sweets nor fruits and she was talking about sweet fruits! Amma!!!) . This is what she tells me now, but earlier when I was a student, she always encouraged me to do my job (study) and not to worry about the results. When a wise adult makes such contradictory statements, what do children like me do? I have to ask her for an explanation.

One thing I am sure of is that I will bounce out of this mood swings and bounce back real fast and strong. I have high hopes on myself and the people I love and more than ever on God. Alright, now I am sounding like a priest, but don’t run away :-P
A lot of friends are asking why I chose this path when the path I was treading on earlier was perfectly smooth and more importantly, I was happy treading on the path. Why did I have to choose something that I knew would be tough; would test me; would not be something I like to do? My answer is simple – I just wanted to try this out. I can’t comment on how hard or easy a task is until I get myself involved in it. It would be like commenting on how bad Idli and Vada is in the canteen without ever ordering it (bad example? I know. But we all know whatever we order at the office cafeteria is just the opposite of ‘yummy’, don’t we?) I wanted to try this new task despite knowing it is going to be tough on me. But now that I have started involving in it, I don’t see why it I thought it was difficult at the first place!

I guess I have poured out everything I had accumulated in my head in the past couple of weeks and have (as always) confused you with my nonsense! Bear with me (as always, again). :-D